My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

The Green Monster

Posted by auntiem10 on May 28, 2010

I am having a bit of a rough day. Fridays usually make me feel ecstatic, but not so much today. I apologize in advance for the bitchiness of this post.

Emotionally, I’m still reeling from watching the movie My Sister’s Keeper. I haven’t read the book, but I got sucked into the movie on HBO last night. As the credits rolled, I was sniffling and then had nightmares about my aunt (a breast cancer survivor currently in remission). Not a great movie to watch when you’re feeling emotionally fragile!

On Facebook, two of my former high school buddies are pregnant. Every single day, they complain about how they feel. I need to just “ignore” them in my news feed, but I usually check FB on my iTouch and am not sure how to do that on there. It takes every ounce of willpower not to write something nasty in response to their complaints, but I choose not to draw people’s attention toward my IF struggles. (I’m not ashamed of my infertility, but I don’t think it’s the business of all 200+ friends on FB.) Last night one of my high school buddy’s status was “Sitting here watching my belly move!” Talk about a dagger.

And to top it off, my family is starting to talk constantly about my cousin’s baby shower, which is coming up on June 19th. I had resolved to avoid any and all baby showers this year for my emotional well-being, but I cannot skip this one. I have six first-cousins on my dad’s side, and we are VERY close. This cousin got pregnant a month before her wedding, by accident. She told me on New Year’s weekend and asked me to keep it a secret from everyone else in our family until after her wedding. She’s due on August 4th, and it’s very difficult for me. She’s five years younger than me, and I can’t help but feel that we should have had a baby before her. I know that is very selfish, though. My aunt just texted me with the gift registry info, and I expect to receive the shower invite within the next week. I can’t describe how much I dread attending this event! I know I am a jerk because she is my close family, but I am not sure how I will get through the shower without crying.

One last complaint for today, and then I’m done: I’m worried about an impending layoff at my company. I work for a very large corporation that has been slowly laying off people since February. The president announced during the quarterly earnings call that they had set aside a certain amount of money for second quarter severance packages. There is basically no turnover on my team, and I’m at the bottom of the totem pole. I feel that I work harder and volunteer for more projects than many of my co-workers, but I’m not sure that’s enough to keep me safe. In February, the “weakest link” on our team was let go, but the remaining members are all pretty even regarding performance. If I am laid off, I feel better knowing that we have a chunk of money in savings, but obviously that money is currently designated for CCRM. Plus when I obtain a new job, I would have to build up two weeks of vacation to use in Denver. I would really hate to postpone things, so I hope that I’m just being paranoid about possibly layoffs.

I’m so glad the holiday weekend is on the horizon. Tomorrow I am getting a massage (a gift from my awesome mother-in-law) and a pedicure, and we’re having a BBQ on Sunday. I can’t wait!

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3 Responses to “The Green Monster”

  1. R said

    The green monster sucks. We have all been there. I’m sorry that it’s your turn. BTW- that movie was the tear jearker of the century!

  2. Lc1 said

    I can relate to the Baby Shower feelings. I just threw one and I am so glad it is over!! It was so hard to put on a fake smile and hear all the guests oohing and aweing over my friend’s belly- boy/girl twins, couldn’t be more perfect than that! Ughh. I felt bad because I wasn’t as happy for her as I’d normally be and I hate how IF makes me feel like a jerk. You are not alone. Glad u can vent here…..
    I can relate to the facebook comments too. I stay off facebook these days… It just makes me too sad.
    Hope you are feeling better- have a nice holiday weekend..

  3. […] all the testing we went through before the regroup, made it official by paying our IVF deposit, struggled with jealousy over pregnant women in my life (little did I know about the bombshell that was to come in […]

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