My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

Are You There God? It’s Me, Auntie Em

Posted by auntiem10 on June 20, 2010

I am not usually a fan of having a “poor me” attitude, but this weekend has been full of an unbelievable amount of hurt and pain. I honestly wonder today how my heart is able to withstand the heartache without shattering.

The baby shower yesterday was difficult for me, I won’t lie. I tried go into it with a positive attitude, but all the positivity in the world wasn’t enough to keep me from blinking back tears throughout the shower. Cooing over diaper cakes… hugging my cousin and feeling her huge belly… catching looks of pity (directed toward me) from my aunt (who knows about our struggles)… listening to my cousin complain about how bad she feels at this stage of pregnancy… watching with a heavy heart while adorable baby gifts were passed from person to person. The emotional pain was persistent and intense, and when I started my 3-hour drive home, I breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was over and then shed some tears.

My relief was short-lived. My aunt called this morning, suggesting that we host another shower for my cousin in a location closer to some of our relatives who weren’t able to drive to yesterday’s baby shower. My cousin is not sure that she can travel so late in her pregnancy (she’ll be 34 weeks on Wednesday), so she’s going to ask her doctor this week. If she can’t travel, then we may host one after her baby is born. To be honest, I don’t want to attend a second baby shower this year at all.

Then today, on what should be my husband’s first Father’s Day (had our first IVF cycle been successful), there was yet another bombshell… my husband’s brother’s wife (my SIL) is pregnant. His family is currently at my in-laws’ house (I stayed home to recuperate from my trip yesterday), and my BIL and SIL made the announcement. My husband’s sister wasted no time in posting a Facebook update that she will be an aunt, and that is how I found out. This is their first baby, and he/she is due in late February/early March. My first thought was: Thank God I wasn’t there, because I’m not sure I could have held in the tears. I called my hubby to make sure he is okay (he’s still there), and he said he felt sick to his stomach. He was hoping to just let me down easy with the news once he returned home tonight, so that’s why he didn’t call to tell me right after the announcement. I burst into tears but asked him to simply pass on my congratulations and to tell them I’m sorry I wasn’t there to celebrate.

I was selfish enough to hope and pray that we would get to announce the first pregnancy among his siblings. After all, we started fertility treatments just a couple of months after getting married, so I imagined that we would have the first announcement. Obviously, now that is not going to happen. My heart feels like it is breaking, plain and simple. I’m sitting here, imagining the anguish of watching her belly expand over the coming months… hearing nonstop baby discussions from my mother-in-law (who loves babies and has to be SO excited)… attending her shower while prepping for our FET… seeing the excitement on everyone’s faces as her due date approaches. How the heck am I going to handle this with grace??? I will just have to find a way.

I am so angry tonight. Every time I feel like I’m emotionally winning this battle, a weekend like this one comes along and knocks me flat on my ass. I feel like a failure to my husband for not being capable of providing him with a child without spending thousands of dollars. I feel humiliated that he’s sitting at his parents’ house right now, feeling sick to his stomach because my body sucks. I feel ashamed that my body doesn’t work correctly while women all over the world get pregnant without even trying. I feel embarrassed by my selfishness and self-centeredness. I feel so damn sad that we are even dealing with infertility. And now, to throw my sister-in-law’s pregnancy on top of everything else, I just feel devastated. ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT’S ME, AUNTIE EM.

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16 Responses to “Are You There God? It’s Me, Auntie Em”

  1. R said

    I am so sorry you are hurting. My sister announced her pregnancy tonight as well. I also wasn’t there, but I know the pain you describe. I hope that you will be announcing your news soon.

  2. LisainSK said

    Hey Auntie Em,

    Also being an infertile I guess the only positive I see in this is that the shower and the announcement were in the same weekend!! That way such news wouldn’t spoil another weekend or another day. I’ve learned that tomorrow is a new day and one day closer to the end of this suckhole. So here’s to hoping that tomorrow is a better day than today. Hugs and take care…

    LisainSK

  3. A.E. said

    M – Just wanted you to know that I’m keeping up with you still and trying to get back into the blogging arena.
    I am SO sorry about your weekend. You are on the right path, though. I’m thinking of you today. AE

  4. I’m sorry for all the pain…I know it so well and there is sometimes no getting around it or avoiding…we just have to walk through it. Be gentle with yourself and know that you have a lot of hope looming in the future…HUGS.

  5. Me said

    I can relate to this as my SIL beat my DH and I to the punch with his family as well. It sucks. And I’m sorry.

  6. Rebecca said

    Your feelings aren’t selfish at all. They just are what they are, which is a totally normal and completely understandable reaction to all the crap and hell you’ve had to go through. Heck, I’m damned impressed that you went to the baby shower. I have a rule I live by that the next baby shower I go to will be my own (assuming we are ever fortunate enough to need one), and there’s not one iota of guilt about that.

    I would definitely put my foot down about having to attend a second shower – there’s being gracious despite your own pain (which you’ve already done in attending the first shower) and then there’s subjecting yourself to unnecessary torture (i.e. the second shower). Then again, after 7.5 years, I have a pretty bad attitude about it all, so perhaps my attitude is not the best one to emulate. 🙂

    On a note related to your previous post about the shower – I totally get what you mean about your cousin being 5 years younger and you hoping to have a baby first. I have a niece who is about 12 years younger than me, and she already has a 2-year-old. And I worry that at this rate, my 18-year-old niece will have kids before I do!

  7. […] Sunday, we’ll be heading over to my in-laws’ for their annual party. My pregnant SIL will be there, but I guess she won’t be arriving until dinner time. I’ve convinced […]

  8. […] first ultrasound went well yesterday, with one blob exactly where it should be. Despite my own personal sadness, this is good news for the family and I […]

  9. […] said, “It would have been nice if my BIL and SIL had told us before making their big announcement.” My aunt looked surprised and I realized that I hadn’t told her their big news yet. […]

  10. […] pregnant SIL was at my in-laws’, of course. She has a very thin frame, and I’m pretty sure her belly […]

  11. […] week too… my non-pregnant SIL sent me this instant message this morning: “I emailed (pregnant SIL) for her to be thinking of dates that work for her baby shower. Thinking of January. Would you be […]

  12. […] wedding with my DH’s family. Inevitably, there was plenty of discussion about my SIL’s pregnancy. The baby was kicking up a storm, and everyone was excited that they’ve chosen her name. […]

  13. […] she knows nothing of this year’s events). She listened to me bawl my head off right after my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy. I would have hoped she would be a little more sensitive, but I guess […]

  14. […] was because we had our own baby. I have talked quite a bit on here about my sister-in-law’s pregnancy, and now her baby shower is rapidly approaching (20 days). I purchased her gifts online and paid […]

  15. […] only baby shower I couldn’t miss, devastation ensued after finding out my sister-in-law is pregnant, decided to move up our IVF cycle ASAP, received second calendar, spent blissful hours tending our […]

  16. […] our niece was born almost three weeks early. I have written at length here about struggling tremendously with […]

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