My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

Hat Tricks

Posted by auntiem10 on July 6, 2010

Another day, another negative OPK. Arrrgh! Today is Cycle Day 22. Another box of OPKs is on my shopping list tonight. It just figures that this cycle would mystify me!

I’ve been thinking the past few days about the different metaphorical hats we wear in life, depending on the people with whom we spend time. With my husband, I can wear my Bitter Infertile Hat. Around my best friend, I wear my Teacher Hat and explain to her (a super-fertile woman with a 6-year-old and 2-year-old twins) the ins and outs of IVF. With my in-laws, I wear my Super-Supportive Hat. Whatever they are going through (even if it pains me), I lend a supportive hand anywhere I can. My true thoughts and feelings are just as valid as everyone else’s, but I hide them so that they won’t see my dark side.

Infertility has brought out a dark side to my personality that I hadn’t even known existed. It has made me jealous, angry, petty, and cynical at times. I don’t want to reveal that ugly side of me. All of you fellow infertiles out there know how difficult it is to plaster on a smile and act happy for a pregnant person when there is a thunderstorm brewing in your heart.

So it was with great trepidation that I drove to my in-laws’ house on Sunday evening, where my newly pregnant sister-in-law awaited. I knew that baby talk would be high on the list of topics, since her first ultrasound is actually today. I decided to show up just before dinner (using the excuse that I was whipping up dessert) in an attempt to head off some of the talk. The first baby comment made in my prescence caused me to stiffen. My husband must have noticed because he gripped my hand, but no one else seemed to catch my reaction. After that initial comment, I steeled myself and managed through the rest of the evening.

After dinner, I found myself alone at the dinner table with my two sisters-in-law. Metaphorically, I put on my Supportive Sister-in-Law Hat and joined the conversation. She mentioned that she had expected the conception of their child to take longer. I felt my stomach drop out as I asked, “If you don’t mind me asking, how long did it take you?” I knew the answer before even asking: their BFP took only one month. She went off BCP in March, and May was their first month of TTC. She actually said, “When I saw the test, I thought: Wow, that was way too easy.” I flinched and all I could think was: Ouch!!!

Now let me just say that my sister-in-law is the sweetest, most patient, and friendliest person alive. I know that she meant no malice with her words and that actually, what she meant semantically was that she’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But there is no doubt that her words stung and that I needed to wait a couple of days to type them out.

I am just filled with wonder at how different their experience is from how ours will be (if we even get pregnant). Even when we both experience pregnancy, we’ll be wearing two different Hats. How amazing must it be to feel unguarded enough to announce a pregnancy without at least one ultrasound first? We would never announce anything (except to you, dear blog friends!) without at least a few ultrasounds. How wonderful must it be to already be considering names (which they announced yesterday when asked) or to feel safe enough to already begin clearing out a room for a nursery? We’ll likely not feel comfortable discussing names or talking about a nursery until we are in the second trimester. They have already announced to friends on Facebook and are already attached to the idea of being first-time parents, but why shouldn’t they be? They are wearing the Fertile Hat. They don’t have any reason to think that things won’t work out. How amazing must that be? Wearing my Bitter Infertile Hat has felt a little heavier the past few days, now that I’ve had a glimpse of how great it must be to wear the other hat.

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5 Responses to “Hat Tricks”

  1. Pie said

    I tried to pretend I fit into the Fertile hat when I first got my BFP. Then I bled, a lot. Back on with the well-worn Bitter and Scared Infertile hat. It must be nice for them, that is all I can say. Must be really nice.

  2. R said

    I also tried that Fertile hat when I got my BFP. Then I started spotting and then lost the baby. Now, my entire is crumbling around me. I will NEVER wear a Fertile hat again.

  3. LisainSK said

    I wish those hats were for sale!! I’ve experienced two BFPs before but they ended traumatically…so the next BFP (if I ever get one) will be full of terror. But love the analogy…

  4. LC1 said

    Hope you get a +OPK soon, I’m still in the same boat!! Infertility has brought out a dark side to my personality that I hadn’t even known existed too. I hate that. I’ve been doing better lately, but at sometimes it comes out and even my husband is shocked at my ugly side!

  5. […] 2010: Continued shock and devastation over SIL’s pregnancy as they see the heartbeat, started BCPs for IVF cycle that was later […]

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