My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

How Infertility Can Even Hurt Fertiles

Posted by auntiem10 on July 16, 2010

During the past 14 months since IVF #1 failed, I’ve been really self-absorbed with how much pain infertility brings to my dear husband and me. Yesterday I got my first real glimpse of how our struggles affect someone outside of our little bubble, and it shocked me.

Yesterday my aunt (an amazing breast cancer survivor) was in my city, and I met up with her in the evening for a decadent dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. We chatted throughout dinner before paying and leaving. Outside, we talked about my cousin, who is rapidly approaching her August 4th due date. My aunt feels that my cousin chose to tell me about her pregnancy first because she was being sensitive to my infertility. I feel that was just a coincidence and she was simply dying to tell someone, and she got her opportunity when she rode back to my grandpa’s house with me. I don’t fault her for this or anything, but it’s just my opinion.

I said, “It would have been nice if my BIL and SIL had told us before making their big announcement.” My aunt looked surprised and I realized that I hadn’t told her their big news yet. When I explained that they are expecting their first baby, I was shocked when my aunt burst into tears–right in front of everyone, standing on the sidewalk outside the Cheesecake Factory! She wrapped me up in a huge hug and I could just feel the pain emanating from her. My eyes flooded with tears as she gripped me tight.

It was a powerful moment in my life. I understood then for the first time how our infertility can bring pain to others. My aunt is completely helpless as she stands by and watches us try to stay upbeat as baby announcements are hurled our way.  She had to watch me blink back tears while precious baby gifts were opened at my cousin’s shower recently. She hates seeing us in pain, and yet she can’t make treatment decisions for us. Basically, she has to stand beside us and watch us hurt, and is not able to do anything to make it better. Until yesterday, I hadn’t seen through my self-absorbed haze how infertility can even hurt fertiles. It was definitely a new realization.

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4 Responses to “How Infertility Can Even Hurt Fertiles”

  1. LisainSK said

    I know what you mean. It’s really affected our relationships with both sides of our families too. But its nice when they do understand.

  2. LC1 said

    It’s true, infertility is painful for our family members. I know my mom worries and her heart aches for us as we have struggled so much to have the complete family we desire. She doesn’t know what to say or do for us sometimes. Your story brings tears to my eyes… so sweet of your aunt to care for you so much…

  3. Kim said

    I’ve had a few moments like this. You probably know my mom was not my closest comfort during our treatments, but I think it came from where she was hurting so badly for us that she didn’t quite know what to do with herself and how to let us know that. I also saw it with my grandma, when there was a time when I burst into tears at something kind she said, and my tears made hers for us spill out unexpectedly.

    I will tell you that when you make it to the other side, those that hurt with you are some of those that are the happiest for you. You will share in the sorrows AND the joys. But right now, lean on that comfort that they’re right there with you, even if you can’t always see or feel it.

  4. Flygirl555 said

    Em -Thanks for sharing your beautiful story. You’re right – we’re often so focused on our own emotions that we forget about others around us. Throughout our journey, we’ve been very protective of our story. We told my mom and, even though we asked her not to
    tell anyone, at this point our struggle with IF might as well be on the front page of the New York Times. She keeps telling me that I am the one who doesn’t understand that she is sad for us and she need support too. She’s right, I don’t understand and cringe every time she tells us about another one of her friend’s son or daughter who is going through this too (which means another person knows).

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