Moving Target
Posted by auntiem10 on September 7, 2010
I am really struggling right now with my emotions. After processing the sound clip of our new niece/nephew’s heartbeat on Sunday, I checked my e-mail and found a FB friend request from a very good college friend of ours. He got married the day after we returned from our ODWU in April, but we haven’t seen him since then. I accepted his friend request and clicked on his name to check out his profile, and the first thing I saw was an ultrasound picture. His wife is 22 weeks pregnant, and their EDD is January 10th. By doing some simple math, I realized that they got pregnant their first month of marriage–maybe even the month before. When I hear about women getting pregnant so easily (like my SIL and this friend’s wife), I feel like such a failure. Somewhere deep inside of me, I realize that our predicament is not my fault, but my immediate reaction is to blame myself.
This friend and his pregnant wife are going to be visiting our city from Thu-Sat and want to get together with us. We haven’t seen them in a long while, so I will probably just put on a happy face and agree to meet up. But as our delay seemingly stretches into infinity and beyond, it’s getting more and more difficult to feel happy for those who have it so easy.
I processed that news, and then left for a walk with my hubby and our dogs. On our return trip home, our neighbors who live two doors down were outside, and we realized that the wife was visibly pregnant with their third child. I had wondered why she hadn’t been out running in the evenings like normal but attributed it to the ridiculously hot weather we’ve experienced this summer. Seeing her big belly nearly sent me over the edge. I feel like a moving target, with pregnant women everywhere! And meanwhile, here I am, taking Prometrium and planning to start Lupron tomorrow. I feel like these baby steps are not getting me any closer to our ER.
I’m sorry this blog has been such a pity party lately. This delay has me feeling rather depressed, with no end in sight. Hopefully I will come out of this funk once AF starts in the next few weeks!
My CCRM IVF Journey 
LC1 said
Vent here… we all understand. Glad you can get it out. Hope AF comes and NO MORE DELAYS!
LisainSK said
Vent all you want!! I can take it…
R said
This is your place to share your emotions, and we are all here to listen…
S said
I was really able to relate to this post. I blame myself for our IF all.the.time. All of my husband’s SAs have been normal, and for each IUI we did, he produced an above average amount of sperm, so it does seem that I am “The Problem.”
Unlike you, I can’t even say that somewhere deep inside, I realize it isn’t my fault. It more likely than not IS my fault.
Oh, and I also seem to see pregnant women everywhere. It sucks.
romik said
I am cycling at CCRM right now and can relate to much of what you say. In addition, I think Don Draper is yummy too 🙂 Hang in there! Your turn will come. I’m rooting for you!
Cassie said
Blogs are for venting – they are our own private space to say whatever we feel. I’ve had lots of good venting on mine and found it to be so therapeutic.
I’ve definitely had those periods of time when I just felt like I was being slapped in the face at every turn. It gets better with time, especially when you get going with your meds and stuff. You’ll get there – but it is a long road no matter what.
Rambler said
Dang, do you live in the Candadian version of my neighborhood?
We were sitting on our deck a few weeks ago, enjoying a BBQ, when DH and I notice a neighbor out with her 3 kids. One in a stroller and 2 zooming around on bikes. When we look a little closer, we notice she’s pregnant. For the FOURTH time. It was just too much.
What a Year « My CCRM IVF Journey said
[…] protocol, received fifth calendar, struggled with family joy over SIL’s pregnancy as well as friends’ pregnancies, got humiliated at church, received sixth (and final!) calendar once AF finally showed, finally […]