My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

The Sun’ll Come Out Tomorrow

Posted by auntiem10 on October 8, 2010

Less than 24 hours until Saturday, the day of our Day 6 report. I can’t remember the last time I was so nervous about anything. I feel sick to my stomach. I can only imagine how stressed I’m going to feel in a couple of weeks when our CCS results are in! My heart pounds just thinking about it!

I’ve been giving myself pep talks since Wednesday’s day-long freakout. Everything will be fine. It’s out of my control. We did the best we could. The embryos are in the best possible hands. We aren’t out of the game yet. Keep busy. Think positively. On and on, these thoughts race through my mind like white noise, and I use them to cover up the lingering doubts and worries that force their way through.

Tomorrow is the third hurdle in this race, and I just hope the results come relatively early in the day so I won’t look at my phone five million times. Every time my phone lit up yesterday to signal a call, my heart dropped into my stomach, morbidly thinking it was the lab calling to tell me that everything arrested. Unfortunately, I’ve done the same thing so far today, even despite the pep talks. Why can’t I just relax, have faith, and trust?!

My prayer is for at least five blasts to test, but based on my past history, I expect more like three or four (if even that many). Statistically, 50% of the blasts are abnormal, so I just pray for 2-3 normals. If not, I will honestly need a counselor of some type, because I don’t know how I will rebound from the devastation. I don’t even want to go there yet in my mind, but I can’t help it. I’m one of those people that has to have a plan for any possible outcome.

I am not that straight A student from school who insisted that he or she was going to flunk a math test, and then ended up with 102%. I know that we are fortunate to have youth on our side during this battle–we are only 28. I know that we were lucky to start with 19 embryos on Monday. I know that we were even luckier to still have 10 good-looking embryos on Wednesday. I know that we look great on paper, with awesome test results and plenty of follicles. But I do have reason for my fears. My former RE coldly informed me that I have zero chromosomally normal eggs. Even Dr. Surrey himself agreed that if blood flow to my ovaries was cut off during my laparotomy in 2007, my eggs may have sustained damaged, and no test can prove or disprove this. During IVF #1, we had 13 great-looking embryos until Day 4, when 11 died for seemingly no reason (which is what led our RE to her assumption). We actually baffled the embryologist, and he let me know that our embryos were severely fragmented and abnormal-looking for a couple our age. All of these reasons are why we turned to CCRM and their undeniably stellar lab, and all I can do is pray that they will make a difference for us, like they have for so many other women whose stories to which I have clung.

My brain is my worst enemy right now, and the only thing I can do is continue with the white noise and stay busy! I will update tomorrow when we get the news, good or bad. If you could spare a prayer or a positive thought for my DH and me (and my heart and blood pressure lol), I would very much appreciate it! : )


9 Responses to “The Sun’ll Come Out Tomorrow”

  1. Patience said

    I am thinking of you today. I remember how agonizing the wait for Day 6 was for me. Like you, we look great on paper, but had poor results other places. I really feel good about CCRM’s lab. I hope you are able to do something fabulous to keep your mind busy the rest of the day today and tomorrow. Sending all sorts of positive thoughts your way!

  2. LisainSK said

    Prayers on the way dear friend!! Hang tight!!

  3. A.E. said

    Oh Dear, You take me back there so easily. No matter anyone’s status in IF, it’s impossible to forget the numbness that preceed an embryologist’s call. You have real, true positive facts on your side. You are so young and you have the best care in the world just to name a couple. Praying for you in the upcoming hours!

  4. My prayers and thoughts are definitely with you and your embies for today. I really hope you get a good number of blasts to test. And I really really hope you get the call early in the day… cause I totally understand the dreadfulness and the heavy stomach feeling everytime the phone rings!! Been there… not fun!
    We are “young” too.. I just turned 29. And I have been told that my eggs are old.. but CCRM did the trick and I am praying that they do the trick for you too.

  5. LC1 said

    Ughh… I hate waiting for those phone calls!! It’s sooo nerve racking!!!
    Keeping my fingers crossed for a great report for you tomorrow!! Get that local Dr out of your head… how could he say that you have no chromosomally normal eggs after just one IVF cycle? We had similar things said to us after our first two IVF failures and a local clinic and we were young too (I was 29). We went to a new clinic and it worked first try…. Hang in there!!!

  6. I know I don’t have the happy ending story for you to cling to (believe me, I surely wish I did) but know what I know the feelings you’re going through…and you’re right, you’ve done everything possible. I hate that nervous feeling…ugh ugh ugh. I hope you get a nice big surprise tomorrow with a great day 6 report!

  7. Cassie said

    I know that feeling of anxiety every time the phone rings. I hope you get your results quickly and that you are pleasantly surprised!

  8. Marcia said

    Praying like crazy for you.

  9. Jen said

    Dying over here… Hope all is well!

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