My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

Twelve Weeks Away

Posted by auntiem10 on October 29, 2010

Yesterday I e-mailed our nurse at CCRM and inquired about whether there is any way to speed up our FET timeline slightly, by taking less BCPs or something. I know, I am crazy, but even moving it up by a week would make a huge difference for me psychologically. Why do I need to take 19 BCPs AND inject more lupron for suppression when I’ll just be coming out of two months of menopause thanks to Depot Lupron? I’m guessing she will roll her eyes when she reads my message, but I had to ask. But as it stands today, our FET is exactly 12 weeks away, and I start BCPs exactly six weeks from today (on my birthday!). Twelve Fridays from now, we should be in Denver, preparing to see our little embryos for the first time.

We are actually feeling hope and optimism, which is very new for us. We are glass-half-full kind of people, but not when it comes to this battle. We’ve recently instituted middle-of-the-week date night, because we both agree that we should soak up date nights together before our world is rocked by diapers and bedtimes. This is really the first time that we’ve acknowledged that an actual baby might result from this transfer. Wow, what a feeling.

Last weekend was a little rough for me emotionally. We attended a wedding with my DH’s family. Inevitably, there was plenty of discussion about my SIL’s pregnancy. The baby was kicking up a storm, and everyone was excited that they’ve chosen her name. Additionally, my BIL had felt her kick for the first time that day. The pastor that I previously mentioned in my cringeworthy post last month was also a wedding guest, and he congratulated my father-in-law on his impending granddaughter. My FIL thanked the pastor and gripped my shoulder and then gently said, “Now we’re just waiting for “Auntie Em” and “Auntie Em’s Hubby” to catch up.” My eyes uncontrollably welled up with tears, and I had to walk away. If only he knew how hard we are trying to catch up, and what we will have gone through when we (hopefully) do announce our own pregnancy next year. We will probably share some details about this process next year, but right now they have no clue that we’ve even been to Denver. The secretiveness is our choice, and we feel it’s the right one for us, but once in a while I wish they knew just how hard we’re working to win this war.

I did slip up a bit a few weeks ago, when my BIL innocently tried to thrust ultrasound pictures of their daughter in my face. This was right after we returned from Denver, and they had attended the gender reveal ultrasound while we were gone and wanted to share the detailed pictures of our new niece. When he tried to hand me the pictures, I abruptly excused myself and announced that I had to use the restroom. I just couldn’t look at those pictures right at that moment, but I’m sure it was so obvious. I stood in the bathroom for a minute, flushed the stool, regained control, and rejoined the family. But I feel terrible for not handling this better because they are so nice and deserve every ounce of happiness. Ugh. I’m trying, that’s all I can say. I cried all the way home, again. My poor hubby.

The day after the wedding, I met my MIL and non-pregnant-SIL at a restaurant for lunch and baby shower planning session #1. I’m choosing to participate in the planning because I simply don’t want to ostracize myself from the family or cause anyone to resent me. I sometimes feel on the bubble of the family anyway, since I was the last member to join and my DH doesn’t want to visit his parents as often as his siblings do. My coping strategy for the shower is actually to be absolutely as involved as possible, which sounds kind of ironic. The way this strategy plays out in my head, I will simply be too busy dealing with the details to dwell on my own infertility. I volunteered for SO many duties–penning the invitations, preparing all kinds of food, making the diaper cake, etc. I think being as busy as possible during the actual event will make it easier for me to handle. And hopefully, the effort I’ll be putting into this shower will help me to seem supportive, despite the few public displays of pain that I’ve shown since their announcement.

Tonight we are going to dinner with the family again, and tomorrow I’m heading to my hometown to visit friends and then the hubby and I are attending two Halloween parties in the evening. Sunday we’ll be handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. Last year at this time, I felt like we were so very far away from achieving our goal. And this year, I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is 12 weeks away. We’re over the hump, and that is a good feeling.

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5 Responses to “Twelve Weeks Away”

  1. LC1 said

    I don’t blame you for wanting to move it up a week if you can. It’s so hard to wait. Sorry about the situation with the SIL. It’s so hard, I know. The heartache is so painful. But you are almost there!
    You have great blasts that are normal. You should be very optimistic and hopeful. Hang in there!

  2. Sorry that you had to take that comment from your FIL in public. People can be insensitive. We are secret abt our IF struggles to everyone (relatives) except my parents and boy…. just like you, I soo wish I could sometimes tell them how hard we are trying!

    I hope CCRM lets you move up the FET date. Less waiting is always a good thing. Hope you have a great weekend.

  3. LisainSK said

    Ouch…that is another cringeworthy experience with regard to your FIL’s comment. You know it meant nothing but hopefully one day soon you’ll be able to air out everything. I too am excited for you and hope that there is a way your FET can be moved up sooner. Have a Happy Halloween!

  4. R said

    I am hoping that the next 12 weeks fly by for you.

  5. […] (five normals!), first Depot Lupron injection, received first FET calendar, more struggles over baby shower planning for SIL, received second FET […]

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