My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

One Foot in Front of the Other (Baby Stuff Ment.)

Posted by auntiem10 on December 28, 2010

On Christmas Day, I glimpsed my cousin’s four-month-old daughter for the first time. She was born in August, but for selfish reasons, we hadn’t scheduled a trip to meet her yet. With the exception of my local friend who was successful at CCRM last year and now has a son, we’ve pretty much avoided babies like the plague. I don’t remember the last time I held a baby. 

When we arrived, I noticed that my cousin proceeded with caution, slipping the baby out of the room, presumably to be sensitive. I think I shocked her when I asked to hold the baby right off the bat. She plunked her down on my lap, and I gently held her underneath her armpits and talked in a singsong voice to her. It felt surreal to be holding something so small. She loves to be in a standing position, so I pulled her up so that her small little sneakers grazed my thighs, and I gently swung her to and fro so that it looked like she was dancing. She flashed her dimples at me as she grinned… perfect little circular indentations on either side of her perfect smiling little mouth, and my heart both soared and ached simultaneously. How is a mixture of these two emotions even possible? Before long, I held her out for my hubby to hold. Tentatively, he pulled her onto his lap and mimicked my singsong voice. To see him with a tiny baby, even one who isn’t ours, made me love him even more. We are so ready! Please, just let this work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later, I fed her a bottle. She is moving toward being able to hold the bottle herself, so her teeny tiny little fingers gripped the sides of the bottle, which looked huge in her hands. I rocked her, and her eyes grew heavy. I thought about the FET that is rapidly approaching, and found myself praying with all my might that my hubby and I will be doing this same thing next year, only with our own child. What an amazing miracle that will be for us.

But for now, Christmas is over and I’m focused on another miracle: the baby growing in my SIL’s belly. Her shower is this upcoming Sunday, and it’s all my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law are discussing these days. I can’t wait until it’s over! Yesterday’s Christmas brunch with the in-laws was filled with way too much baby talk, and I found myself on the couch with all the guys, watching football instead of gabbing with the women in the house. So sad that I can’t just feel genuine happiness for her and instead feel traces of jealousy and resentment. They are such nice people and deserve every ounce of happiness, and I just can’t go along with it. Considering the ease with which she and my BIL conceived, I’m sure I will be enduring more pregnancy announcements in the future, so I hope I can find more grace to deal with these situations as time passes.

In FET news, I’m placing one Vivelle patch below my waistline every other day. When I stick on a new one, I remove the old one. This Thursday morning (two weeks pre-transfer), I have my first blood draw to check my estradiol level. The following Thursday (one week pre-transfer), I’ll have more bloodwork and an ultrasound to rule out cysts. If I pass these hurdles, I’ll be cleared for the FET on 1/13/11. No side effects to speak of, thankfully–besides all this baby chatter, things are pretty quiet right now.


6 Responses to “One Foot in Front of the Other (Baby Stuff Ment.)”

  1. R said

    I KNOW how difficult all this baby stuff is for you right now, and I think you are doing a good job of protecting yourself while being happy for others at the same time. You held, fed and played with a baby, that is a HUGE step and you should feel good about that.

  2. Marcia said

    Almost in tears reading your blog this morning. Life is so hard sometimes. I hope and pray for you guys that this will work. I look forward to reading your blogs and I look everyday to see if there is anything new posted. Jan 13th is almost here !!

  3. sk0 said

    Good luck, Auntiem10. Hope 2011 is your year and really hope this FET is it!

    I have my FET scheduled at CCRM on 1/10 with two CCS normals. We’ll be PUPO together :).

  4. Molly said

    Your blog is amazing. I bet it is so helpful for people. Sorry stuff is hard. It’s strange how some of that doesn’t completely go away and I can still tear up at you writing about it thinking how I was just “there” too. Hoping this is it for you-you are so close! Oh, and I think an eSET is a great idea;) (especially in your circumstances).

  5. […] up FET meds, finished BCPs and started Lupron, received fifth (and hopefully last!) FET calendar, struggled more with baby stuff, passed first estradiol […]

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