My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

Nerves Nerves Nerves

Posted by auntiem10 on February 8, 2011

I am so, so nervous about our ultrasound tomorrow morning. I’ve been attempting to stay positive, but the fear creeps in and overwhelms me. If you would have asked me at what point I would start to feel a little more reassured that this process worked, I would have told you that I would feel pretty good after Beta #2. Now I know that’s a total crock! : ) I don’t think the worrying ever ends for some of us.

In my head, I’m continually reviewing everything that gives me hope that we will see a heartbeat or two tomorrow: my HCG level doubled easily and then skyrocketed to 11K+ at 23dp0, we transferred two embryos instead of just one, we transferred CCS-normal embryos which decreases the risk of miscarriage, I’ve seen absolutely no spotting or bleeding of any kind throughout this entire process, I’m nauseous (but not today which freaks me out), and staying up until 10 p.m. seems like a chore these days. These thoughts revolve round and round my head, but I still worry that somehow, we will end up on the wrong side of the statistics. Please let tomorrow get here quickly!

Yesterday our niece was born almost three weeks early. I have written at length here about struggling tremendously with my SIL’s pregnancy, since my DH and I started treatments first and therefore, in my head, should have had the first grandchild. The pain of that day last year when we found out the news still cuts me like a knife, because I literally felt like the wind had been taken out of my sails. I had never felt so defeated, even though conception is clearly not a competition and my SIL is the world’s sweetest woman. As the months progressed and my SIL’s belly swelled, I accepted the idea of coming in second, and I took comfort in the hope that this IVF cycle would turn out well and we would see a heartbeat before our niece arrived toward the end of this month. I was sort of counting on seeing the heartbeat before welcoming their baby into the world, honestly. Even with our apparent BFP from this IVF cycle, I still struggled yesterday. On the way to the hospital, I cried to my DH that I felt like such a jerk for continuing to feel jealous and a bit resentful that they were first and had it so easy. I wish I could just get over it! Our BFP still does not keep me from feeling resentment toward those women who conceive effortlessly the first month of trying, like my SIL. There is just a bitterness in my heart that I don’t want to be there, but it is there. And I’m owning up to it in the hopes that you will all understand.

That baby is beautiful, though. I haven’t held her yet because I’m still recovering from my sinus infection and don’t want to spread bacteria, but I’ve watched my DH dreamily hold her and admire her tiny fingernails, wrinkly feet, and long fingers as she emits little squeaks. He told me last night that holding her gives him great hope for our ultrasound tomorrow. Please, please, please just let us see a heartbeat in the morning!

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10 Responses to “Nerves Nerves Nerves”

  1. Alison5280 said

    Just breathe! 🙂 I can’t wait to hear the news tomorrow. Sorry I haven’t been very verbally supportive on here of late, I have been buried with all of our appointments to get ready for our own FET in late March. But, I have been reading all of your posts and am so thrilled for your good numbers, and have been sending up prayers for you and DH and baby(ies?). I know exactly how you feel. When we went for the first ultrasound, all I wanted to see was a heartbeat. I had been pregnant twice, and neither time did I get to see a heartbeat. That was the ONE hurdle that I just HAD to get through to breathe that first sigh of relief, and I was nearly hysterical with fear and anxiety waiting for it! I just wanted to know that there was a life inside me. I was actually watching the screen as she did the ultrasound and I remember seeing this weird blip and thinking to myself….did she just go from one sac to another???? But, not being an ultrasound tech, and in fact being a nearly hysterically hopeful mess, I just kept quiet. Suddenly the tech looked up with a smile and said ‘I have two sacs.’ My mother, who was there with us, gasped, but DH and I were silent, because I knew it meant nothing without heartbeats. I could BARELY squeak out…’Do you see any heartbeats?’ When she smiled a huge grin, and said ‘yes, two perfect heartbeats!’ DH and burst into tears and my mother suddenly became Baptist, jumping to her feet, throwing her arms in the air and saying ‘Hallelujah!!!’ (And then she had to sit down and put her head between her knees because she thought she was going to pass out.) 🙂 Anyway. What I am wishing for you tomorrow is that same bursting into tears of relief, release, letting-out-all-of-the-frustration-of-your-infertility-struggles and pure unadulterated JOY! Just breathe. Sleep well, and know that there are a LOT of people pulling for you!!! 🙂

  2. 73goldie said

    Everything is going to be great! I can imagine you are nervous, but with numbers like you’ve posted…I can’t imagine anything less than two little babies growing happily in your belly! I hope a celebration lunch is on the agenda for tomorrow.

  3. Alison5280 said

    OH! I almost forgot two things….don’t worry about the jealousy thing. It does still stick in my craw about a few people who got pregnant while we were struggling. I try to let it go and just remember that everyone’s journey is different. However, it is totally normal to feel the way you do! Just don’t let it eat you. Acknowledge it and move on to happier, healthier thoughts.

    Secondly, morning sickness: Crystallized ginger. You can find it in the spice aisle. It is chewy like a gummy bear, with sugar on the outside. It doesn’t taste particularly great, but I am telling you it took the edge off the morning sickness when nothing else did. When I had gotten to the point where I HAD to start keeping food down or they were going to hospitalize me, it was my lifeline. I carried it around in my purse and anytime I started feeling a big wave coming on, I would eat a piece or two, chewing them slowly. Worked like a charm. 🙂

  4. LisainSK said

    Fingers crossed!!!

  5. mmbchat said

    It’s going to be good news tomorrow – I know it!

  6. Jen said

    Tomorrow will be a great day! Can’t wait to hear the news about the twins! 🙂

  7. Little Diiorios said

    I’ve been thinking of your ultrasound tomorrow more than you have!…just please tell us how many there are already!!

  8. Josey said

    Thinking about you!! It’s so hard to reconcile the feeling of “coming in second” (which I DEFINITELY understand), but at least your SIL has a healthy baby — and YOUR BABY(IES!) will be healthy and happy as well and close with their cousin. What a blessing!

  9. Rambler said

    Good vibes tomorrow! Post a quick message when you can. There’s a lot of folks rooting for you (and probably betting in your poll, LOL). Hugs!

  10. Sara said

    It’s totally NORMAL to feel that sense of jealousy – and kudos to you for owning up to it – your honesty will make other people feel more “normal” about their own feelings…

    I know that you’ll hear great heartbeat(s) today!

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