My CCRM IVF Journey

Our successful journey through IVF #2 at one of the world's top fertility clinics

7w2d

Posted by auntiem10 on February 14, 2011

We had a great time shocking family and close friends with our news this weekend. : ) On Saturday we traveled a few hours to my hometown to tell my mom, sister, grandpa, aunt and her family, uncle and his family, some cousins, and two of my closest friends. We consider all of these people “core” members of our inner circle, so we wanted to share despite the fact that it’s still pretty early in our pregnancy, and we’re not yet ready to be totally open about it.

My sister had the most volatile reaction–she began crying hysterically (happy tears), to the point that my BIL and niece ran out to see what was wrong! She is already discussing baby showers and gender predictions–yikes. We are really just focused on getting through the first trimester, but it’s neat of her to be so excited. She’s been waiting quite a while to be an aunt!

My mom had a funny reaction–we bought her a Valentine’s Day card and taped an u/s picture inside. The card addressed “Grandma and Grandpa,” so that threw her off at first. She said, “Grandma and Grandpa?!” and I said, “Just open it!” She slowly processed the u/s photo but still didn’t read the part where we had signed the card “From your twin grandchildren.” I had to direct her to read it and after a few seconds, she yelled out, “Twins!!!” She cried and hugged us, and it was just a great moment–the moment for which we waited for so long.

Everyone else seemed shocked! My two close friends were both teary-eyed and thrilled for us. We expressed our wishes to keep this news quiet until we’re out of the first trimester, and everybody is respecting that so far. Saturday was a wonderful day.

On Sunday, we drove 20 minutes to my in-laws’ house. My MIL and FIL have known about our news since the day of beta #1, but my hubby’s siblings and grandma have been in the dark because we wanted to confirm heartbeats first. We gave his grandma a V-Day card in which my hubby had written inside, “P.S. (Auntie Em) and I are having twins.” She glanced at the card and thanked us, but she obviously hadn’t read the inscription. My hubby told her to read what he had written, and she read it to herself and got very emotional. He finally asked her to read it out loud so everyone else could hear. His siblings were shocked! I grabbed the u/s photo from my purse, and we passed it around. It was a great moment; however…

At some point after our announcement, I realized that my SIL was very upset. I am not referring to the SIL who just delivered a baby last week. I haven’t written about this on here, but my other SIL is at the very beginning stages of IF treatment. She’s been trying to conceive for several years but just began seeking treatment in the last six months or so. Her OB prescribed Clomid last fall, and she went through several unmonitored cycles without ever ovulating (as far as she could tell). Late in the year, she finally established herself as a patient at a fertility clinic, and the RE prescribed her Metformin. Currently she’s waiting for AF after taking prometrium, and then her protocol involves taking Clomid from CD 3-7, and then having an u/s on CD 12 to see if she ovulates. The next step up would be an IUI. So as you can see, she’s at the very tip of the iceberg with treatment options.

I spoke with my MIL a week ago and asked her if we should alert my SIL beforehand so she wouldn’t be blindsided by our announcement. My SIL is so quiet, I just can’t always figure her out, so I sought advice from the person who would know her best–her own mother. My MIL thought SIL would be just fine with our announcement. She predicted that my SIL might briefly think “I wish it was us,” but that she wouldn’t be angry or anything. I also took into account the fact that SIL was SO thrilled when my other SIL announced her pregnancy last Father’s Day. She talked incessantly about our impending niece throughout 2010 and never displayed any sadness about it. Based on my MIL’s advice and my SIL’s happy reaction to last year’s pg announcement, I went along with the plan to surprise SIL along with everyone else last night. But when I saw my SIL’s very-clearly-upset expression while everyone else was talking excitedly, my heart began to hurt. I had done the exact same thing to this SIL that happened to me last year–I blindsided her.

This morning SIL admitted that our announcement hurt her deeply last night–she cried all the way home from her parents’ house. I find myself intermittently feeling angry, hurt, and terribly guilty. I have endured many pregnancy announcements in the past few years and understand the pain that comes along with it. But why wasn’t she upset with my BIL and SIL last year, who tried for only one month before their BFP? She had been TTC then for 3+ years already, even if she hadn’t yet moved to an RE. Why doesn’t she take into account how much effort went into this outcome that we achieved, now that she knows what it took? Why does she make it seem as though she’s been through soooo much, when she is only at the tip of the iceberg? Why did she have to give me the guilt trip she gave me this morning? I am just hurt and feel so guilty.

I did what I could do. I apologized profusely (for what though??? I’m not sure). I told her that we all think her time is just around the corner, even though in my head I’m not sure since anything less than IVF never produced good results for us. Then I called my hubby at lunch and sobbed. Last year, I cried on my way home almost every time we visited his parents and got bombarded with baby talk. So to know that I have/will be causing his sister the same pain, I can hardly bear it. He just reminded me that finally, after this long wait and all this hard work, it’s our turn to be happy, and we shouldn’t let anyone ruin that. He said we shouldn’t feel guilty because we did seek advice about how best to spread our news, and we weren’t intentionally rubbing it in her face. He is right, but I’m still just so sad to have caused SIL any sadness. I am so incredibly thankful for where we are today, but this part of announcing our news was not easy!

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7 Responses to “7w2d”

  1. LisainSK said

    Thanks for sharing your reveal stories! Thats so awesome. I am REALLY sorry about your SIL being so upset. I think for me it took me two years of TTC before I got jealous of pg announcements. I believe I was in denial for quite a while and just figured it would happen on its own. Plus I really thought I was THE worst person in the world for even being jeolous of people so I just did my best to not let the emotion evolve. So perhaps that’s the case with your SIL too why she was so happy for your other SIL’s announcement and visibly upset with yours. Sorry hun…not easy. But nonetheless, you fought a very hard battle. Hoping she’ll come around soon. She will…on her own time.

  2. Josey said

    Your reveal stories are great. 🙂

    Don’t beat yourself up about your SIL – simply the fact that you thought about how best to tell her without hurting her shows that you GET it and understand what she’s going through.

    Hang in there…

    PS – you’re having twins!!! EEKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

  3. MyTwoLines said

    That is a tough situation with your sil. I always tried to remember that even if someone is just starting treatments it’s still at the very worst part for them, even if we know it can get worse. My advice is to just think about how–in a perfect world — you would have wanted people to have handled the situation with you last year and try within reason to do that for her. But within reason as thus is your super happy time too!! I hope it gets better and I am sooooooo happy you are getting to have fun telling your great news! Enjoy it as best you can!

  4. LC1 said

    Congrats on telling the families! Sorry about the situation with your SIL. Maybe it put her over the edge to hear you are pregnant after your other SIL just had a baby? It does seem though that she would be wouldn’t as upset knowing all that you’ve been through. But it’s still hard sometimes to be the last one to get pregnant of all of you. I’m sure she’ll come around and hopefully look to you for some advice/support about IF,etc.

  5. Alison5280 said

    How exciting! Thank you so much for sharing those stories. I love how you told you families…I might have to remember some of those ideas! 😉 As for your SIL, I think some of the other commenters have said it well. You can’t predict how every person is going to react to every situation. Everyone deals with their grief around infertility differently, and at different stages. (And some don’t really deal with it at all.) The fact that you thought about how to tell her shows that you were cognizant of her feelings, and that is what matters. The fact that her own mother didn’t ‘see’ what was coming makes me wonder if she isn’t being very open with her feelings, even to those closest to her. So, don’t beat yourself up about it.

    When I was in the midst of my struggles, a co worker became pregnant for the second time. (As in, she gave birth to two kids in the span of time I was trying to have even one!) She knew what I was going through and broke the news to me, privately, before the cat was out of the bag amongst the rest of my coworkers. (Incidentally, it was the EIGHTH baby born in our group in the space of two years!) I was really touched that she did that, and I appreciated the heads up, because it gave me the opportunity to go to my car and have a really ugly screaming, crying fit about it! 😉 So, it didn’t really matter, in the end, how I found out. I was going to go have my pity party regardless.

    Keep talking to your SIL…maybe hearing what you two have gone through is putting a ‘new face’ on her own struggles and it is terrifying. Who knows. At any rate, you guys just focus on your happy news and enjoy this time. Congrats again.

  6. Marcia said

    Valentine’s cards were a great way to tell your families. Sounds like most of the time you and your DH had a fun day. Sorry about your SIL’s reaction to your announcement, but you tried everything you could to make sure she would be OK with it. I bet by now she is realizing how thoughtful you were. I bet by now she is realizing how much you have been through and deserved to be excited. I bet by now she is one feeling guilty for ruining your day. I bet by now she has called you to apologized. I bet by now your DH has eased your hurt, anger and guilty feeling (sounds like a great guy). You didn’t do anything to her (you just got pregnant) so don’t feel quilty for anything. She should have hope now because IVF worked for you. I hope today is a happier day for you and your DH because you guys DESERVE it!

  7. Love the way you broke the news to your family. That is so sweet. Sorry abt your SIL’s reaction though. Like Lisa said, give her time. She will turn around. Personally for me, the pg announcements didn’t start hurting me until I failed my first IUI which was almost a yr after we started trying. Up until then I was under the impression that it could to us. So everyone is different. And don’t beat yourself for it. You have been through a lot and your husband is right… it is your turn to be happy. Don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you.

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