Tick Tock (Baby Stuff Ment.)

Thirty-one days until our FET… time is moving along. I’ve taken 4/12 BCPs and will start Lupron on Friday. My feelings about the FET are all over the place–I feel anxious, excited, and terrified. I want to fast-forward to January 22nd (our scheduled beta date), but if things are going to turn out badly, I want to pause time now so I can hang on to this feeling of hopefulness. I want a freaking crystal ball so I can know how this will end. I wish I could produce some kind of zen attitude about events to come, but I just don’t trust my body or my luck. I am trying, though!

This weekend was very baby-centric, and I only wish this was because we had our own baby. I have talked quite a bit on here about my sister-in-law’s pregnancy, and now her baby shower is rapidly approaching (20 days). I purchased her gifts online and paid extra to have them shipped so that I could avoid any baby aisles, but then I ended up having to go to the store and switch out a couple of things anyway. I spent way too much money, and I think the reason why in part is that I’m attempting to buy her patience and understanding due to my obvious struggles throughout her pregnancy. That is an awful way to think, and I hate myself for it.

I’m also in charge of invitations for the shower, so I spent part of Saturday carefully addressing the envelopes and preparing to stick them in the mail. And yesterday, I spent many hours wrapping my gifts to SIL, talking about the upcoming shower with my MIL and other SIL, and looking at the decorations and gifts that they have purchased. Oh, and talking to the pregnant SIL and looking at her belly, too. I dread the shower. I’ve come to accept that this baby is coming in just a few short months, but acceptance does not erase my grief or sadness. I feel like a very jealous and selfish person, but I am doing my best to keep these feelings private. I try to treat her as I would hope to be treated, even though our situations are different: she got pg her first month ever trying, and I will always be infertile. I actually didn’t cry on the ride home last night for the first time in several visits, so that is improvement.

Two weeks ago, SIL invited us to attend her 3-D ultrasound. The entire family went, except for us. My hubby ended up telling his brother that it’s too difficult for us to do that kind of stuff because of our fertility battle. He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go before he sent his response, so he must have felt very strongly that this would be upsetting for both of us. This is really the first time he’s acknowledged our pain to one of his family members. Apparently his brother was very understanding about it, which is good. Later we saw the photos on FB, but viewing them at home in private was much easier than it would have been to attend the u/s and feign excitement. We are excited for them, of course, but the sadness we feel for ourselves puts a damper on things, and his family doesn’t really seem sensitive to that.

So we are just plugging away, wishing that time would move faster so we can conclude this very long IVF/FET cycle. And hoping that 2011 starts out for us with a big bang in the form of a definitive BFP.